Presence and Relationships

If you have a difficult relationship with a close family member, you might have inadvertently activated your loved one's intense reaction...far too many times. It can even feel like your very presence activates their anxiety or irritation.

How might you communicate that your loved one is safe in your presence? What can you do to prevent such reactions or at least not escalate them into the lose-lose arguments that you know too well?

Presence

There are three ways that you can cultivate presence to have an effect that supports a healthy relationship and discourages harmful and destructive behaviors: physical presence, internal presence, and systemic presence. That is, presence with your loved one, with yourself, and with your community.

Physical, temporal presence is being present with your loved one. When you are in the same physical space, your presence communicates:

I am here.

I am within reach.

I am not giving in and not giving up on this relationship.

I care deeply about you and your well-being.

In your presence, I can be attentive and validate your feelings, words, and actions appropriately.

I can be fully aware of you and present with you while resting in calmness, stillness, and silence.

Internal, embodied presence is being present with yourself, motivated to embody peace. Internal, embodied presence includes being aware of sensations and feelings and able to hold space for them without acting upon them. This may convey: 

I can accept my anxiety rather than giving in to it.

I can let go of my anger by connecting with my deeply-held values.

I can remain calm and persevere even when you don't like it.

I can face you rather than turn away.

I can protect myself, manage my own feelings, and care for my health and wellbeing.

I am not available to be physically present for your every need at all times. I have needs too.

I am present in this relationship and responsible for my behavior.

Systemic presence is your connection with a caring community of friends and relatives in which everyone is committed to being present for you as needed. This communicates to your loved one that you are not acting alone and that others believe in you and support you. Systemic presence communicates:

I can connect with others who will support me.

I can seek help from others who will validate my position and stand with me in resisting harmful and destructive behavior.

My support network is with me.

I do not keep secrets; my action is transparent.

I have agency in requesting the kind of support I need.

The support I receive validates my position and authorizes the action that I take.

I don't need your permission to be present, to align myself with my values, to connect with others, to observe my limits, and to persist.

Do any of these assertions resonate? Do any of them seem difficult, distant, or even irrelevant? Choose any one of the above assertions and consider how you might communicate it without words but with your tone of voice, speed of words, volume, facial expression, eye contact, head movements, hand gestures, posture and position of your body, and your actions. Take some time to reflect upon the assertion that you select and consider all the ways to incorporate that through your presence.