Three Ways of Presence in Relationship

Your presence might activate and sustain your loved one's emotional dysregulation. If your loved one becomes emotionally dysregulated and you sit up straight, tense up your face in anger or speak faster and faster, raising your voice with anxiety, it is likely that you will escalate the situation. You communicate that your loved one is not safe in your presence.

On the other hand, managing your presence appropriately can prevent escalation and increase your loved one's feeling of safety. Remaining firmly centered and grounded, consciously focusing your attention, and sustaining a community of supportive friends and family communicate to your loved one that they are safe in your presence.

Non Violent Resistance proposes three ways that your presence can have an effect that supports a healthy relationship for the long term: physical, internal, and systemic.

1. Physical, temporal presence is being nearby in the same physical space. It says:

I am here.

I am within reach.

I am not giving in and not giving up on this relationship.

2. Internal, embodied presence is calm attention that communicates You matter to me and I am with you even when I am not within reach. Cultivate attention that conveys: 

I will bear my anxiety rather than giving in to it.

I will overcome my anger by developing a strong sense of agency and self-control.

I will remain calm and persevere.

I accept you.

I face you rather than turn away.

I will protect myself, manage my own feelings, and care for my health and wellbeing.

I am not available to be physically present for your every need at all times. I have needs too.

I will be present in this relationship and responsible for my behavior.

3. Systemic presence is a caring community of friends and relatives. This communicates that you are not acting alone and that you have recruited the support of others. This is not I must have power, but I gain my strength from the actions of my support network. Systemic presence communicates:

I will seek help from others who will validate my position and stand with me in resisting harmful and destructive behavior.

I will connect with other adults and seek their support.

I have agency in requesting the kind of support I need.

The support I receive validates my position and authorizes the action that I take. I will not keep secrets; my action is transparent.

I don't need your permission to be present, to align myself with my values, to choose my actions, to observe my limits, and to persist.

You are invited to choose any one of the above assertions and use your wise mind to communicate it with your mind, body, words, and deeds.  Be mindful of yourself, your loved one, and your community. Act according to your values and your long term goals for yourself and your relationship.