FAMILY & INDIVIDUAL COACHING

Are you trapped in a relationship with a spouse or partner who is entitled and dependent upon you for far too many of life's daily responsibilities?  Is your partner expecting everything and blaming you for everything that doesn't meet their expectations?   Surely you have explained how hard you are trying and hoping for a little recognition! Still, no change. You are stuck accommodating your loved one's entitled dependence, perhaps without even realizing it. There are many t

I know you are a sensitive person, and I might add exquisitely sensitive sometimes. I know that I can say or do things that trigger an intense reaction, which can be a very unpleasant experience for you. It can be hard for you to believe I would do or say those things without realizing how hurtful they are.   I can see how much thought you put into trying to fix confusion and prevent emotional pain. I can see how much energy you put into trying to help me understand what I di

A guide for parents, partners, and loved ones Who am I? Where am I going? Can I understand others clearly? Can I stay close and connected? Personality functioning refers to how a person experiences themselves, manages their life, understands others, and maintains relationships—especially under emotional stress. For people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), strengths may shine through at many times, while moments of emotional or relationship stress can lead to real c

The holidays have a way of showing us how quickly old patterns return. We can react not to what is happening now, but to years of past experiences. We hope for connection, kindness, or understanding—and feel disappointed when things don’t go as planned. Even people with years of meditation practice, advanced social and emotional skills, or decades of experience in family psychology can find themselves angry, hurt, or exhausted during their own family gatherings. We may arrive

Healthy family bonds reflect a balanced, respectful connection between adult children and parents or grandparents, between partners or spouses, or between adult siblings. You may have experienced so much dysfunction in some of your family relationships that you don't remember or perhaps rarely experienced a balanced and respectful family connection. Like any genuine friendship, these are bonds that need to be nourished again and again. How? What are they supposed to look like

Family life is full of intense emotions, deep bonds, and—sometimes—misunderstandings that leave us feeling disconnected. The good news is that there’s a powerful skill you can learn to transform your relationships: mentalizing.

What does control have to do with it? Families familiar with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) understand its effectiveness in managing emotional dysregulation, particularly for loved ones with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). However, fewer families are familiar with Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RODBT), a complementary approach especially beneficial for addressing emotional overcontrol—a pattern sometimes observed in individuals with BPD and in some t

Supporting a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be an emotionally intense and deeply distressing condition, not only for the individuals who live with it, but also for the people who love them. Partners, parents, and close family members often find themselves walking a tightrope between connection and conflict, unsure how to help without making things worse. As most of my readers know, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is

A REMINDER AND REVIEW FOR SOME. VALUABLE NEW PRACTICES FOR OTHERS. If you have a difficult relationship, these core mindfulness skills are important to practice. These skills are fundamental to relieving your pain and improving your life. Practice is essential! HOW do you practice core mindfulness skills?   Non-judgmentally  – Let go of your automatic criticisms, negative judgments, and self-absorbed interpretations. Automatic judgments sustain your emotional suffering. Being

Three Core Skills Urgent and unrelenting crises of your loved one can leave you and others in the family feeling chronically overwhelmed. Preventing escalation is the most important set of relationship skills you can develop.   Skill #1. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. If you cannot manage your own reactions and stop your emotions from escalating, how can you expect your loved one to do so? Make a firm commitment to remain calm when your loved one is insistently demanding, threateni

If you have a difficult relationship with a close family member, you might have inadvertently activated your loved one's intense reaction...far too many times. It can even feel like your very presence activates their anxiety or irritation. How might you communicate that your loved one is safe in your presence? What can you do to prevent such reactions or at least not escalate them into the lose-lose arguments that you know too well? Presence There are three ways that you can

Both responses sustain aggressive and violent behaviors If your loved one often engages in insistent demands and impulsive behaviors, you may find yourself trying your best to manage the situation using either Authority, (an attempt to dominate and control) or Appeasement (an attempt to calm and placate). Let's see how each response works.   Imagine that your loved one demands something from you that you can't immediately provide. Your loved one raises their voice, blames you

The year-end holidays can be wonderful and also sources of stress and frustration. Families share more time together. Food, rituals, music, stories, and special events can strengthen a sense of belonging and feelings of comfort, joy, and mutual love. Therein lie the problems as well. Emotions can be more intense and expectations can be high just as family members and loved-ones come together from near and far. The result can be a spicy interpersonal stew (if the kitchen doesn

The more you comply with demands for isolation and secrecy, the more reclusive and volatile your loved one becomes. Before you know it, your

Start small when it comes to reducing verbal attacks against you or not contributing to an escalating emotional crisis. The bathroom break is often an effective way to step away. Some family members have raved at how useful this practice is and how often they use it. "Listen, I really have to go to the bathroom. Give me two minutes. What you are saying is important. I will be right back." It is hard for your loved one to argue with that and say 'no,' even they are already ann

" The phenomenon of highly dependent adult children who are not actively engaged in productive occupational, educational, or vocational endeavors is common and challenging for all involved. Parent-based treatment can provide a practical and potentially efficacious solution that does not rely on direct participation of the adult child." -Eli Lebowitz Does your adolescent or adult child have anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, a rigid style of thinking, an obsessive style

Arguably one of the most important life skills in DBT! Emotional regulation includes a whole set of skills and which we choose depends upon the situation. First each skill has to be understood and practiced separately. In a short series of articles, I will break the emotional regulation skills down into manageable pieces. In the 12-week workshop, we learned about the function of emotions and the components of emotions. We learned the basics of how to observe and describe emot

Does the emotion fit the facts? Emotions can trigger thoughts and interpretations about events and they can distort our perception, which in turn can increase the intensity of the emotion. It is so easy to be judgmental, critical, or to make distorted interpretations about an incident when we are in emotional mind. Emotions can hijack our thinking and we don't even realize it. Beliefs about a situation that are faulty or extreme are often tied into emotional escalation and ev

If we can change the emotion by solving the problem, then first solve the problem! Problem solving is an emotional regulation strategy when: 1) a problem is what triggers an emotional reaction, and 2) the problem can be resolved. If the emotion is too intense to go into problem solving mode, then distress tolerance, self-soothing, self-validation, or other acceptance strategies are probably necessary as a first step. However, when an unwanted emotion fits the facts and the fa

Opposite action is more than a skill. It is a philosophy of life. Like dialectics or radical acceptance or mindfulness, this is a DBT skill that we can learn through exercises, but then it becomes a lifetime practice to apply over and over again. The potency, the fluidity, the nuance, and the subtlety of this skill takes time and practice to fully appreciate. Opposite action is doing just the opposite of what our impulsive urges or cravings are telling us to do . It is like g