Ten Questions to Help You Through the Holidays

The holidays have a way of showing us how quickly old patterns return. We can react not to what is happening now, but to years of past experiences. We hope for connection, kindness, or understanding—and feel disappointed when things don’t go as planned.

Even people with years of meditation practice, advanced social and emotional skills, or decades of experience in family psychology can find themselves angry, hurt, or exhausted during their own family gatherings.

We may arrive with the best intentions, trying to stay calm and enjoy ourselves, and then suddenly feel judged, dismissed, or hurt. Now imagine a loved one who is emotionally sensitive or vulnerable in that same setting. Their stress and anxiety may rise faster, feel stronger, and last longer. When that happens, it often triggers reactions in us too. The result can be emotionally draining for everyone.

So, is there anything you can do? After a lot of reflection, I’ve come up with ten questions that can help reduce reactivity and support a little more peace during the holidays.

Ten Questions to Help You Through the Holidays

1.     What is your main reason for the visit? (Obligation, courtesy, enjoyment, convenience, connection)

2.     What do you want for yourself during the visit? (Stay calm, avoid conflict, have fun, laugh)

3.     What length of time feels healthy for you? (Hours: ___ Days: ___)

4.     Can you validate others effectively? (This is a skill that takes practice.)

5.     How often might you need a break?

6.     What reason will you give for stepping away? (Bathroom, rest, walk, call, or no explanation at all)

7.     Do you have a private, safe place to be alone? (Bedroom, bathroom, outdoors, another space)

8.     How will you regulate your emotions? (Breathing, looking away, counting down, relaxing your face, cold water, stretching, walking, brief neutral responses)

9.     Who can you call for emotional support?

10.  Who can help by engaging or distracting your loved one if needed?

If these questions seem helpful, please take a moment to jot down your answers. We can only control our own words and actions. Managing ourselves may also gently influence others, however we cannot control what they say, do, or feel. Accepting this reality—radical acceptance—can be one of the most useful skills for getting through the holidays with greater ease.