Healthy Adult-to-Adult Family Bonds

Healthy family bonds reflect a balanced, respectful connection between adult children and parents or grandparents, between partners or spouses, or between adult siblings.

You may have experienced so much dysfunction in some of your family relationships that you don't remember or perhaps rarely experienced a balanced and respectful family connection. Like any genuine friendship, these are bonds that need to be nourished again and again. How? What are they supposed to look like? Radically Open DBT offers some answers to these questions:

Family members with healthy adult bonds...

1. Respect Differences

·      Appreciate each other’s individuality rather than expecting sameness.

·      Accept that no one is perfect.

·      Respect each other’s opinions without trying to change them.

·      Use gentle humor and teasing in ways that feel safe and enjoyable.

2. Practice Kindness and Compassion

·      Repair quickly when they’ve been unkind.

·      Listen openly and give each other time to speak.

·      Share both successes and struggles.

·      Enjoy each other’s company and feel a meaningful connection even when apart.

3. Take Responsibility for Their Own Emotions

·      Avoid blaming others for their feelings or reactions.

·      Stay open to feedback, even when uncomfortable.

·      Remain respectful during stress or conflict.

·      Avoid bullying, threatening, or manipulating.

·      Work together on problems without score-keeping.

4. Approach Conflict with Openness

·      Don’t assume the other person is wrong.

·      Stay willing to be wrong themselves.

·      Acknowledge their own contribution to misunderstandings.

·      Address resentments and conflicts directly and kindly.

·      Speak truth with warmth and honesty.

5. Validate Each Other

·      Show presence through eye contact, tone, and attentive body language.

·      Listen carefully and reflect back what was heard, revising when needed.

·      Acknowledge that the other’s inner experience makes sense.

·      Offer gentle, thoughtful guesses about what the other may be feeling.

·      Refrain from rushing to fix; trust the other person’s ability to find their way.

·      Understand that empathy does not require agreement.

After carefully reading this list, you may be thinking, "Not in a million years can I have a relationship like this with my loved one." Read through the tips again and consider a smoother family relationship or a genuine friendship that you will find easier to have a healthy adult bond.

You can't MAKE another person do these things. You can only control what you do on your side of the relationship (and that's hard enough!) Pick the easier ones first. Practice and model these attitudes and behaviors. Take responsibility for being the "adult in the room" with kindness, compassion, and openness. If you think it is helpful, describe exactly what you are working on and trying to do so you can be a better partner/parent/son or daughter/sibling. Practice repeatedly. You might find the relationship emotionally maturing, drop-by-drop.