Validation and Mentalization
- dbtcoachcorrine
- Jun 5
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 9
Supporting a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be an emotionally intense and deeply distressing condition, not only for the individuals who live with it, but also for the people who love them. Partners, parents, and close family members often find themselves walking a tightrope between connection and conflict, unsure how to help without making things worse.
As most of my readers know, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based therapy that has emerged as a powerful tool in the treatment of BPD. The philosophy and skills of DBT can also be extraordinarily effective for anyone in a difficult relationship with a person with BPD.
DBT and Validation
DBT, developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, is a structured, skills-based approach that helps individuals manage emotional intensity, tolerate distress, navigate relationships more effectively, and live more mindfully. It is widely regarded as a gold-standard treatment for BPD and is supported by decades of research.
At the heart of DBT is the concept of validation. Validation means acknowledging and affirming another person’s internal experience as real, understandable, and acceptable. For family members, validation can de-escalate emotional storms, reduce shame, and build trust. If there were only one takeaway from DBT (and there are dozens), validation is at the top of the the DBT principles and practices for family members to learn.
Mentalization
Mentalization-Based Treatment, or MBT, was developed by Peter Fonagy and Anthony Bateman to treat BPD. It helps people reflect on their own and others’ thoughts, feelings, intentions, and desires. MBT is especially helpful for individuals whose emotional arousal often disrupts the ability to "mentalize" — to make sense of behavior in terms of underlying mental states.
For parents and spouses, learning to model and support mentalization can transform interactions. Rather than interpreting a loved one’s behavior as manipulative or personal, family members learn to approach emotional outbursts with curiosity, compassion, and reflective questioning. Learning to mentalize effectively will improve your communication and your relationship and it will point your loved one toward better mentalization. All too often, it is your loved one´s cognitive distortions and misinterpretations of your words and actions that are the most frustrating for you. If you could only "teach" them to mentalize properly!
Validation and Mentalization: What’s the Difference?
While both validation and mentalization promote emotional safety and connection, they operate differently. Here's a side-by-side comparison:
Concept | Validation (DBT) | Mentalization (MBT) |
Purpose | To affirm the emotional experience as real and acceptable | To understand and reflect on mental states (thoughts, feelings, beliefs) |
Focus | Emotion being expressed | Mind behind the emotion |
Tone | Empathic, accepting | Curious, reflective |
Examples | “That makes sense.” / “Anyone would feel that way.” | “What do you think was going through your mind then?” / “Is it possible you were scared and not just angry?” |
When to Use | When emotions are high, to de-escalate and connect | When emotions have settled or during reflection to promote insight |
BPD is often characterized by "hypermentalizing." Your loved one might engage in excessively analyzing, obsessively thinking, and projecting a detailed rational that explains words, gestures, and actions through a lens of fear, anger, contempt, or paranoia. At first it may require a lot of mentalization AND validation to keep your loved one from going off the rails with hypermentalizing!
Putting It into Practice: Real-Life Examples
Imagine a daughter with BPD says to her mother:
“You don’t care about me! You never even ask how my day was!”
Validating Response:
"Oh my gosh, you're right, I didn't ask you how your day was today. That can hurt, especially if you wanted to talk about your day and share what happened."
Mentalizing Response:
"Can we pause for a second? Did I miss something? I wonder if it seems like I didn’t ask about your day because I wasn’t thinking about you when you got home and that felt like rejection? Is that what happened?"
Spouse Says:
“You are the worst husband in the world. I have wasted the last 15 years of my life on you!”
Validating Response:
"I can hear how hurt and angry and hopeless this marriage is for you. These last 15 years have been full of challenges, and I know there have been moments that felt like too much."
Mentalizing Response:
"Can we try to understand what’s really underneath this for a moment? I wonder if right now it feels like you’ve invested so much — and you’re scared it hasn’t mattered or won’t get better. Is that part of what’s coming up?"
Used together, validation soothes the emotional storm, and mentalization invites deeper understanding.
Living with and loving someone with BPD can be painful, confusing, and exhausting. But you are not powerless. By learning and practicing validation (from DBT) and mentalization (from MBT), you can support your loved one in building emotional resilience, repairing relationships, and developing insight.
These skills don’t come overnight. But with time, patience, and practice, they can transform not only how you relate to your loved one, but also how you relate to yourself.
Learn the power of validation and mentalization! The next 4-week Mentalization workshop starts August 6, 2025 and the next DBT 12-week Family Workshop starts September 4, 2025. You are not alone. And with the right tools, healing is possible for you AND your loved one.
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