Mentalizing in Families: The Key to Understanding and Connection
- Samuel Warde
- Jul 31
- 3 min read
Updated: Aug 1
Family life is full of intense emotions, deep bonds, and—sometimes—misunderstandings that leave us feeling disconnected. If you’ve ever wondered why a loved one reacts the way they do, or wished for more harmony at home, you’re not alone. The good news is that there’s a powerful skill you can learn to transform your relationships: mentalizing.
What Is Mentalizing?
Mentalizing is the ability to imagine what someone else is thinking or feeling, and to understand how those internal experiences influence behavior. It’s about being curious, not assuming, and trying to make sense of thoughts, feelings, urges, and behaviors—both in ourselves and in others.
When we mentalize, we ask questions like:
“Why did I say that? What was I thinking?”
“I wonder what my son is feeling right now?”
“Is there another explanation for what my partner just did?”
This approach helps us move away from judgment and toward understanding, which is essential for healthy family relationships.
Why Is Mentalizing So Important for Families?
Families are the bedrock of mentalizing. It’s within our closest relationships that we first learn about ourselves and others. But families can also be where mentalizing breaks down, especially during times of stress or conflict.
When mentalizing is missing, we might:
Assume we know what others are thinking (“She’s just being difficult!”)
Treat feelings as facts (“I feel hurt, so you must have meant to hurt me.”)
Get stuck in patterns of blame, criticism, or withdrawal
Repeated breaks in mentalizing can lead to mistrust, fear, and anger, making it even harder to connect. But when families practice mentalizing, they create space for empathy, flexibility, and genuine connection.
How Can You Practice Mentalizing at Home?
Here are a few practical ways to bring more mentalizing into your family life:
Pause and Get CuriousWhen emotions run high, take a breath and ask yourself, “What might my loved one be feeling or needing right now? Or What might be motivating their behavior?”
Adopt a Not-Knowing StanceLet go of certainty. Instead of assuming, wonder: “Is it possible there’s another explanation for what happened?”
Recognize Non-Mentalizing PatternsThere are some standard ways of non-mentalizing and when a loved one goes down that road it can be confusing, annoying, or exhausting. Notice when you or others are treating thoughts or feelings as facts, denying emotions, or focusing only on getting results while being closed to the nuances of the means to the end. Gently shift the conversation back to the subtleties of reality with humility and curiosity.
Reflect and ValidateThe act of mentalizing underlies validation. Actively trying to understand what motivates another person’s behavior is a precursor to communicating with validation. “That seems like it must have been frustrating. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”Validation doesn’t mean you agree—it is reflecting back that another person’s experience is understandable.
Use Humor and FlexibilityA little playfulness can go a long way. Be willing to laugh at yourself and consider multiple perspectives.
Real-Life Example
Imagine your teenager says, “You never listen to me!”
A non-mentalizing response might be, “That’s not true!”
A mentalizing response could be, “It sounds like you’re feeling unheard. Can you help me understand what’s going on for you?”
This slight shift can de-escalate conflict and open the door to authentic connection.
Upcoming Classes
If you’re interested in learning more about mentalizing, join our Mentalizing Workshop that starts Wednesday, August 6 by clicking on the link: https://www.dbtcoach.com/service-page/mentalization?referral=service_list_widget
The 4-week Mentalization program is designed for family members who have completed the 12-week DBT Family Workshop, but if you have not, you are urged to follow up this August program with the DBT workshop that starts on Thursday, September 4.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is mentalizing, in simple terms?
Mentalizing is the ability to imagine what someone else is thinking or feeling, and to understand how those thoughts and feelings influence their behavior. It’s about being curious and open, rather than assuming or judging.
How can mentalizing help my family?
Mentalizing helps families reduce misunderstandings, manage conflict, and build deeper connections. By staying curious and validating each other’s experiences, families can break free from negative patterns and support one another’s growth.
What if I struggle to mentalize during conflict?
It’s normal to struggle with mentalizing when emotions are high. The key is to pause, breathe, and remind yourself to get curious. Even small efforts to mentalize can make a big difference over time.
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