Understanding Personality Functioning in BPD

A guide for parents, partners, and loved ones

Who am I? Where am I going? Can I understand others clearly? Can I stay close and connected?

Personality functioning refers to how a person experiences themselves, manages their life, understands others, and maintains relationships—especially under emotional stress.

For people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), strengths may shine through at many times, while moments of emotional or relationship stress can lead to real challenges. These ups and downs are important to understand with care.

Clinicians assess personality functioning in two areas for a total of four domains: Functioning of Self: Identity and Self-Direction and Interpersonal Functioning: Empathy and Intimacy

Each domain may have a unique level of difficulty, ranging from mild to severe. Every journey is individual.

The Four Domains of Personality Functioning

 

1. Identity: “Who am I?”

This domain reflects how stable a person’s sense of self is over time.

What you might observe:

• Rapid shifts in self-image (“I’m confident” → “I’m worthless”)

• Values, goals, or beliefs that change depending on mood or relationship

• Strong shame, guilt, or emptiness after conflict or rejection

• Difficulty holding both strengths and flaws at the same time

Levels you may notice:

• Mild: Self-doubt during stress, but identity returns to baseline

• Moderate: Ongoing confusion about self; identity shifts with emotions

• Severe: Feeling empty, unreal, or “like a different person” under stress

For Reflection:

• Does my loved one’s view of themselves change dramatically after conflict?

• Do they struggle to hold a stable sense of who they are over time?

 

2. Self-Direction: “Where am I going?”

This area is about setting goals, making decisions, and keeping actions on track even when emotions get complicated. Everyone experiences moments when this is hard.

What you might observe:

• Sudden changes in life plans, jobs, or relationships

• Decisions driven by intense emotion rather than long-term goals

• Difficulty learning from consequences during emotional distress

• Impulsive behaviors when overwhelmed

Levels you may notice:

• Mild: Inconsistent follow-through during stress

• Moderate: Goals frequently shift; emotion overrides planning

• Severe: Life feels crisis-driven; little sense of future direction

For reflection:

• Do emotional states seem to “hijack” decision-making?

• Does distress erase long-term goals, such as a job or caring for others in need?

3. Empathy: “Can I understand others clearly?”

This domain reflects the ability to understand others’ perspectives, especially during emotional stress.

Important note: It helps to remember that many people with BPD are deeply caring and empathetic, especially in calm moments. When fears of abandonment, rejection, or being left out arise, empathy may become more difficult, but this does not reflect a lack of caring.

What you might observe:

• Misreading others’ intentions during conflict

• Seeing others as all-good or all-bad in the moment

• Assuming rejection, criticism, or abandonment where none was intended

• Later realizing, “I misunderstood what was happening”

Levels you may notice:

• Mild: Temporary misunderstandings that can be corrected

• Moderate: Empathy collapses during emotional threat, then returns

• Severe: Ongoing distorted perceptions of others’ motives

Reflection questions:

• Does my loved one’s view of others change sharply during emotional moments?

• Are there frequent and/or longstanding misinterpretations of my intentions or motivations?

• Are misunderstandings more likely when they feel shamed, hurt, or afraid?

4. Intimacy: “Can I stay close and connected?”

This domain reflects the ability to form and maintain stable, mutual relationships.

What you might observe:

• Intense closeness followed by sudden distance or anger

• Fear of abandonment leading to clinging, testing, or pushing away

• Repeated cycles of idealizing then devaluing partners or family members

• Relationships that feel emotionally exhausting or crisis-driven

Levels you may notice:

• Mild: Anxious or avoidant patterns, but relationships remain intact

• Moderate: Repeated instability, conflict, and fear of loss

• Severe: Relationships frequently rupture, feel unsafe, or activate paranoia

Reflection questions:

• Do relationships become most unstable when closeness increases?

• Does fear of losing connection seem to drive conflict and then activate "love bombing"?

• When I step back, does my loved one suddenly want more closeness?

Guidance for Families

These difficulties are not willful, manipulative, or a lack of love. They usually reflect:

• A highly sensitive emotional system

• Chronic insecurity and shame

• Strong and confused attachment needs

• Difficulty maintaining functioning when emotions are intense

Many people with BPD show significant strengths (creativity, empathy, loyalty, insight), especially when they feel safe and understood.

Remember, personality functioning is not set in stone. With effective treatment, new skills, and truly supportive relationships, people can and do grow stronger in all four areas.

Your caring, your thoughtful responses, and your efforts to strengthen your own well-being are more powerful than you might realize. You can't fix your loved one, but your words and actions can reduce dysfunction instead of increasing it.

Learning and practicing DBT skills, working on understanding, validation, and self-care, and building reliable support can all become important steps in helping your loved one shift towards recovery.

This article draws on the latest clinical models in the International Classification of Diseases, 11th Revision (ICD-11) and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR). Rather than labeling or diagnosing your loved one, the aim is to help you recognize what you observe and offer more informed, compassionate support.