My Dear Loved One,

I know you are a sensitive person, and I might add exquisitely sensitive sometimes. I know that I can say or do things that trigger an intense reaction, which can be a very unpleasant experience for you. It can be hard for you to believe I would do or say those things without realizing how hurtful they are.

I can see how much thought you put into trying to fix confusion and prevent emotional pain. I can see how much energy you put into trying to help me understand what I did wrong. When that energy is alive with anger, it is like you are on fire, intensely trying to fix whatever is wrong or explain what needs to be changed.

I also sense that you can be a keen observer of my gestures and expressions, and that you pay a lot of attention to some of the things that I say and do, especially how they affect you. I imagine you are vigilant to feeling threatened, in part because of some thoughtless, self-centered things I have done in the past.

I deeply appreciate how much our relationship matters to you. It matters to me too.

Unfortunately, it is a fact of life that people can be mean, disrespectful, and ignorant. I have heard you describe how others who were once close to you or important to you have put you down, ignored your feelings, ended the friendship, humiliated you, or slighted you in many different ways. Given your past experiences, it makes sense that you would be on guard against abandonment, disrespect, or slight.

I am sure that you did not ask for that kind of treatment, and you did not independently decide to become vulnerable or feel insecure. I know you did not program your central nervous system to experience emotions intensely, nor did you remove any neurochemicals that soothe your negative feelings.

I have no doubt that you just want to be happy, to have satisfying relationships, and to feel a sense of belonging, just like anyone else. We all want to feel loved and lovable, to be respected, to be comfortable, to be supported, and to be able to build the life we want to live.

My dear loved one, I have something else to tell you. I am human, and I have my own needs, desires, and feelings. I am going to say or do things that activate your intense emotional reactions, despite my best intentions to be kind and patient. I am not perfect, and I never will be.

I am asking you to focus more of your energy and attention on soothing your feelings, taking time-outs, and stepping back to see the big picture. I know you have the wisdom and compassion to respond effectively, to reach your long-term goals, and to tolerate your distress.

I urge you to be kind to yourself and connect with your breath, your wise mind, and your deeply held values every day. I invite you to let go of tension again and again and put that energy into being open, curious, and flexible even when emotional pain and intrusive thoughts arise. I understand this is not easy. It is a lifelong path.

I love you, and I have your back, but I cannot do this work for you. I cannot protect you from feeling invalidated, nor can I be responsible for soothing the pain of invalidation. You are more competent and capable than you believe; however, I also hope that you will seek out and connect with others who have the knowledge and experience to help and support you along this path.

I believe you and I have been doing the best we can everyday. And we can both try harder tomorrow.

With love,

Me

How do you feel when you read this letter?

Please scroll down and comment if you feel like it.

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If this letter represents

"Everything that you always wanted to tell your loved one, but were afraid to say"

don't start to copy/paste it into your e-mail!

Slow down and go one step at a time. There are principles at play here.

Do you want to know more?

corrine@dbtcoach.com