Trapped By Entitled Dependence

Are you trapped in a relationship with a spouse or partner who is entitled and dependent upon you for far too many of life's daily responsibilities?  Is your partner expecting everything and blaming you for everything that doesn't meet their expectations?

Surely you have explained how hard you are trying and hoping for a little recognition! Still, no change. You are stuck accommodating your loved one's entitled dependence, perhaps without even realizing it. Here are seven different traps in this scenario that could keep you stuck in accommodating entitled and dependent behaviors.

1. The Rescue Trap

Rescuers see struggle or hear complaints and repeatedly step in to solve problems. If you are in the rescue trap, you will jump in to fix problems that your spouse could address on their own--if you would just stop rescuing them. You are doing things like:

• Handling all of the joint finances yourself.

• Covering the costs of their impulsive purchases again and again.

• Taking action to solve or prevent your beloved's problems because they avoid them.

 Over time, your dependent partner learns they do not have to address their problems and you will take over.

2. The Service Trap

In the service trap, you provide ongoing services that your spouse should be handling, but doesn't. For example:

• Cooking and cleaning up after your partner and/or doing all the household chores.

• Taking care of their personal needs (e.g., scheduling doctor appointments, managing social obligations).

• Managing most or all of the parenting responsibilities, if you have children.

Your partner becomes accustomed to comfort and convenience without effort.

3. The Negotiation Trap

Do you spend excessive time and energy texting, or talking on the phone or in person trying to negotiate, persuade, or reason with your insistent and demanding spouse?  The negotiation trap keeps you believing that you will get your partner to see things your way. (In some cases, this might be called "The Last Word Trap," when your urge to say one final thing is so strong that the discussion, as unpleasant as it may be, never seems to end.) These traps are evident when there are:

• Long arguments or discussions about chores, responsibilities, or commitments.

• Constantly trying to “convince” your partner to take action.

• Expecting that you can "teach" your partner to see things the "right" way.

 Your partner gets off the hook when arguments and discussions about what needs to be done replace actually doing anything.

4. The Avoidance Trap

You may find yourself avoiding interactions with your spouse, especially those that confront dependency due to fear of conflict, resistance, or emotional escalation. Signs of being stuck include: 

• Giving in to demands rather than challenging them.

• Suppressing resentment to maintain peace.

• Avoiding anything but the most superficial conversations.

 While this may sustain the peace, your dependent partner experiences no challenge or accountability for their dependent and entitled behaviors.

5. The Isolation Trap

You are increasingly isolated from friends, family, and other social support networks. Without reality checks from your social network, you may even begin to believe your partner's accusations and feel that you are the one with the problem. You may be:

• Hiding the dependency issues from friends or family.

• Avoiding seeking help or therapy due to embarrassment or fear of judgment.

• Overlooking the need for support from others.

Your dependent partner remains unchallenged because they don’t face external expectations or feedback, and you don't have the support that you need when you are confused and challenged by a difficult relationship.

6. The Despair Trap

You feel hopeless and believe nothing will change. Efforts to address the dependency will only make things worse. The Despair Trap can even create a "den of stagnation" for the whole family. For example, you might: 

• Believe that the dependent partner will never change, so why try?

• Give up on efforts to address the issue, feeling “stuck.”

• Accept the dependency as “just the way things are” without trying to improve

The cycle of dependence becomes entrenched, the sense of entitlement gets deeply rooted, and the relationship gets stuck in misery.

7. THE FEAR TRAP

The biggest trap of all that is lurking under each and every one of the other traps is FEAR. If you are afraid of how your spouse or partner will respond, this is likely the biggest obstacle to getting unstuck.  You probably need to get your central nervous system out of the "fight or flight" response and into the "rest or connect" response. How can you regulate your fear?

1. Deconstruct fear. Observe and describe the components of one wave of fear. What activated it? What were you thinking at the time it was activated? What physical sensations in your body arose? What urges did you experience? What did you say and do? What were the consequences of your fearful response on your loved one?

2. Check the facts. What are you afraid of? Are you assuming a catastrophe that is highly unlikely? (For example, my daughter will hit me, my son will overdose, or my mother will never speak to me again for the rest of her life.) Are there other perspectives that also make sense? Imagine that catastrophe really occurs and coping well with it. Does the intensity of your fear really fit the facts? Mentally step back and look at the big picture. Think of all possible interpretations and practice looking at all sides of a situation.

3. Opposite Action. When your fear does not fit the facts or when acting on your fear is not effective, try doing the opposite of what your emotion is telling you to do. Instead of freezing, avoiding, or escaping, consider accepting, welcoming, even embracing that which activates your fear.

   1. Do what you are afraid of doing . . . again and again.

   2. Do things to give yourself a sense of control and mastery over your fears (relax, be open and curious, validate, speak with a warm tone of voice, and don't defend or explain yourself, take a time out to de-escalate emotions).

   3. Approach, instead of avoid the feared conversations, situations, or activities with your loved one.

   4. Timing is everything. Find a time to practice control and mastery when your loved one is relatively calm and good humored.

      
      

4. Cope Ahead. Decide what coping or problem-solving skills you want to use in the situation. Be specific. Write out in detail how you will cope with the situation and with your

   emotions and action urges. Imagine the situation in your mind as vividly as possible.

   1. Rehearse in your mind exactly what you can do to cope effectively.

   2. Rehearse what you will say and how you will say it.

   3. Rehearse coping with new problems that might come up.

   4. Rehearse coping effectively with your most feared catastrophe.

   5. Relax after rehearsing.

      
      

Regulating your fear may be the most important step to free you from all the other traps that accommodate and reinforce your loved one's sense of entitlement and dependence.

After the Fear: How to Break Free of the Other Traps

As you learn to regulate your fear, you can begin to break free of the other traps that keep you stuck in the entrenched entitlement and dependent behaviors of your loved one.

1. Identify the exact entitled behavior that you want to stop accommodating and the responses that you find yourself trapped in.

2. Identify the ways that you accommodate the behavior selected in step one and clearly define how you will stop accommodating it (stop fixing, serving, negotiating, avoiding, and/or isolating).

3. Communicate your belief in your loved one's intelligence and skills to take on their problems and responsibilities.

4. Validate again and again how difficult, challenging, or unpleasant it may be for your spouse to take on these responsibilities and announce that you will no longer fix, fill in, accommodate, or reinforce ONE specific behavior.

5. Follow through by changing your behavior accordingly.

Consistency and patience are key in breaking these cycles.  Your spouse is not going to like your behavioral changes and will not agree with you that they are important or useful. You may need to recruit help and support from others. Do not measure the success of your de-accommodation plan by the level of entitled dependency of your loved one, but measure it based on how well you consistently stick to your plan to change your own behaviors.

When you finally stop rescuing, stop over-serving, stop negotiating endlessly, stop avoiding conflict, and stay connected to a network of supportive friends and family, then the dependency system loses its reinforcement structure.

Corrine

For a lot more information, education, and support, check out the workshops, books, and coaching sessions available at www.dbtcoach.com.